Long-term Sex

Gustav Klimt, "The Kiss", visipix.com
Gustav Klimt, “The Kiss”, visipix.com

I didn’t brush my teeth or take a shower or get dressed today until after 3:00 pm. so I felt like I was in college again.

My husband tells me that this part of my life is long gone; But what he really means is that the young woman who liked to fool around with lots of different men is gone. “You couldn’t do that anymore,” he says.  “You wouldn’t like it.”

After 25+ years, he thinks he’s ruined me for other men; And the truth is, he’s probably right. (But don’t tell him that. I’m still playing hard to get.)

I loved the game back then. The power. The chase. The seduction. The tossing aside. The moving on.

A couple years back, an old flame and I got together for an evening. We fell right into the banter of our youth, but had to leave our favorite bar because we couldn’t hear each other. Instead we walked. Sober. And talked. About our lives, our families, our spouses. And we stumbled upon something odd.

Despite the fact that both of us had been terrified of commitment, of surrendering our freedom, particularly our sexual freedom (I refused to look at engagement rings with my sweetheart; he almost left his on the altar), we found that sex, within our long, long partnerships, had only gotten better.

“Better than ever,” we both offered, surprised.

There must be something to sticking around, we realized; though I don’t think either of us would claim that good sex equals a satisfying marriage. I know couples having great sex lives who are otherwise miserable with one another, and couples who are seemingly content without any sex at all.  That said, a good sex–happy marriage combo is hard to beat.

Still, I’d be willing to challenge my husband that the girl of my youth is completely gone. In fact, I caught a glimpse of her in the city when I was free-wheeling it with a friend. We found a Tequila bar around the corner from where we were staying and after two drinks at dinner, I was ready the wild woman inside of me was awakened, but first she had to pee.

On the toilet, I felt that familiar warm and oozy feeling of a bathroom break in the middle of tying one on. But when I stood up, I was completely shocked. There, in the full-length mirror in front of me was a middle-aged woman.

It was time to call it a night.

As much as I loved the fun of playing around in my youth, I was never fulfilled, especially since much of what I was about was running from pain.  The woman I am now has much higher expectations of fun. It has to feel good–inside & out–body, mind & soul.

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Love’s Renewal

“Love doesn’t just sit there like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.”  ~Ursula K. Le Guin

The Myth of Love

“Most of us, when we fall in love, simultaneously stumble into a multitude of myths, such as being ‘meant for each other‘ and ‘living happily ever after.’ Take a deep forgiving breath and acknowledge any of the romantic movies you’ve conspired to create in your life.”

~from the Introduction, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married~ Simple Lessons to Make Love Last, by Linda and Charlie Bloom

The Spirit of Friendship

“IN ONE OF THE HINDU RITES OF MARRIAGE, the bride and groom make to each other a solemn statement,

You are my best friend.

Western couples need to learn to be friends, to live with each other in a spirit of friendship, to take the quality of friendship as a guide the the tangles we have made of love…

When two people are “in love,” (others)… say that they are more than “just friends.”  But in the long run, they seem to treat each other as less than friends…

(If) being in love is much more intimate, much more “meaningful,” … than “mere” friendship, why, then do couples refuse each other the selfless love, the kindness and good will, that they readily give to their friends?

People can’t ask of their friends that they carry all their projections, be scapegoats for all their moods, keep them feeling happy, and make life complete for them.  Why do couples impose these demands on each other?

Because the cult of romance teaches us that we have the right to expect that all our projections will be borne-all our desires satisfied, and all our fantasies made to come true–in the person we are “in love” with. ”

~Robert Johnson, from the book edited by Emily Hillburn Sell, The Spirit of Love.

The Delicate Nature of Love

When the time comes that you feel love for someone, be gentle.  Love has a delicate nature. Never be rough with it, or it will be completely destroyed.  Always distinguish the difference between love and desire.  Love gives pleasure; desire creates pressure.  Desire, loneliness, tension and disappointment can all deteriorate the delicate nature of true love…  If love is not given gently, it becomes stormy.  Stormy love, like stormy weather, can never last long.”

~Hua-Ching Ni from The Spirit of Loving by Emily Hillburn Sell

Lost in each other…

Here’s something to ponder…

At what moment do lovers come into the most complete possession of themselves, if not when they are lost in each other?”

~Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

Your experience welcome in the comment section below…


Loving through Change

“Sunlight pours into my study from four windows.  Year by year the turquoise silk has faded to a gentle watery blue, the brilliant embroidery has softened, and it is lovelier than ever.  ‘We love the things we love for what they are,’ Robert Frost reminds us.  And he means, I think, that we love them as they change–he is speaking in the poem of a brook gone dry–as well as for what they once were.”

~May Sarton as quoted in The Spirit of Love, edited by Emily Hillburn Sell.

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